101 Things I Hate About Your House™ tries to be helpful at every turn. So here, in 10 easy etched-in-stone installments are guidelines to being a rock-star house guest.
“When the Shoe Fits
Now, Dear Glamorous Guest, tis parody time in the land of travel. As the auger of honor swings both ways, now is the time to take note with care. Commandments are commanded for reasons which, at times, mere mortals miss; not for lack of earnest or for lack of wit but often for lack of consciousness. Open your eyes; place yourself squarely in your host’s fabulous shoes and heed these Lodging Commandments:
* Thou shall not arrive unannounced. EVER.
* Thou shall not stay for more than three days. While you may scoff at this concept it is a simple and tried fact that guests, regardless of their intimacy with their host, go stale after three days. Guard against this natural phenomenon as you would against the loss of other perishables and be certain of being invited back.
* Thou shall not assume inclusion in household events (meals, parties, excursions..etc.). If you are invited then graciously participate with energy and excitement all of which reflect favorably on your host.
* Thou shall not sit idly by while your host waits on you hand and foot. Assert yourself in clearing dishes, walking the dog or loading the dishwasher. If beaten back by a mindful host, graciously acquiesce and entertain others with a witty story or engaging conversation.
* Thou shall not open a closed door. EVER. When you are shown to your room you have tacitly been given the lay of your land while in residence. Respect these parameters at all times and at all cost.
* Thou shall not presume the availability of local transportation by your host or their family members. Rent a car, download a bus schedule or secure a local cab company’s phone number without asking use of the yellow pages. Be self-sufficient at all times.
* Thou shall not venture, uninvited, into the kitchen for late night foraging. Unless offered free reign by your host never consider the kitchen, the bar or the root cellar to be yours for the taking. Better, by far, to stock up on Power Bars and fifths of Scotch than to force the discomfort of banishment by an egregious breach of conduct.
* Thou shall not be a cheapskate. If there is staff in the house (a housekeeper, for instance, who has assisted your stay) leave a thank you note on your bedside table with a gratuity for their services. Your visit has expanded their responsibilities and, while confident in your host’s overtime compensation policies, never let it be said that you did not acknowledge their staff’s efforts on your behalf. If drinks or dinner out become an option during your visit then quietly leave the table during dinner and surreptitiously supply the establishment with your credit card along with clear instructions on to whom they are to present the pre-processed bill. This quiet gesture exemplifies your generous heart trussed up in all that Gucci and Prada and is the least you can do in acknowledging your host’s gracious hospitality.
*Thou shall not neglect sending a thank you card. Flowers, wine, a treasured book or any number of other gifts are appropriate at this moment and will, no doubt, be appreciated to the same degree which care was taken in their selection. However, gift or no gift your must never not send a thank you card. It’s simply bad manners and makes you look like a bum from the sticks regardless of the labels on your luggage.
* Thou shall not fail to extend the same hospitality. Turn about is always fair play so when considering the pros and cons of lodging with friends be certain you are prepared to extend yourself in like manner. This is known as the “comes-around” part of the equation.
