101 Things I Hate About Your House™


If the point of upholstery is physical comfort then case goods (tables, chests, console…etc.) focus on our need to store, stack and organize.  And of course to do it with style!

Whether antique or newly manufactured, passed down from Granny or picked up at a tag sale the wood pieces of furniture we bring into our home are necessary for our home to function gracefully.  They are necessary pieces of the decorating puzzle; required for rooms to function successfully.   Try living without your tables or chests for a while.  One quickly comes to respect and loath the floor on which your stuff is stacked!

So circle the case-good wagons and let’s position these decorating workhorses to do their jobs effectively.  Few things are as frustrating as their blatant absence.

“I hate thoughtlessly placed tables and chests.”

It’s simple really; for every deliciously upholstered seat in your house you should place, within arms reach, a perfectly proportioned table or chest.  Dining tables require surfaces for serving and fill-up more storage than you believe possible.  Lounging in bed demands surface and storage space; and dressing rooms and baths eat up both at frightening rates.  Co-opting a great Joan Crawford (“Mommie Dearest”) movie line, I would invoke that we “put a table where a table wants to be”.

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Relationships are difficult at best and devastating at their worse.  Evidently the rewards are sufficient to keep us returning to the game, over and over again.  Bring it on!

In response to this mornings post I was asked a simple (ha) question; “What’s the most important rule to follow when arranging furniture?” My day has been a blur of “well, if…” and “but, then…” in an effort to reduce my process down to one helpful hint which I then can needlepoint onto a pillow and retire.  If only.

Lists and books, journals and emails were set aside this afternoon when my eyes fell on a recent Vanity Fair issue with Elizabeth Taylor on the cover.  I had my answer.  The most successfully arranged furniture encourages and nurtures relationships, above all else.  And yes, I am a sucker for a good love story.

Keep this principle in mind when deciding where to place a club chair, Fauteuil, drinks table or chaise in relation (!) to a sofa. If you land on a proximity that calls out for intimate whispers and inspiring antidotes then bolt that chair to the floor, pour a drink and call a friend.  If not, drag it around a bit more until you get it right.  Ditto for most any area of the house; answer the question, “what relationship must be enforced by the placement of this furniture?” Practice makes perfect, in this relationship game. Just ask Liz!

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“Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it and Virtue is doing it.” David Starr Jordan

Summer is a time for travel and whether you’re off to far flung destinations or remain close to home the process of getting from point A to point B is, to me, intriguing. City planning, whether in urban centers or far-flug hamlets, is a marvel whose brilliance quickly becomes obvious. My kingdom for a grid; north-south, east-west… how difficult can it be?
If only the successful layout of furniture could be guaranteed by the use of a grid! I’d be passing them out myself; one to every Tom, Dick and Harry, so urgent is the need.

“I hate poorly considered or ill-conceived furniture placement.”

I’m terrified when I hear from friends or (!) clients, “I’ve tried something new with the furniture arrangement. I hope you like it.” Chances are I won’t. The art of arranging furniture is not to be taken lightly; it’s a gift from the decorating gods (years of study can’t hurt) and should be worshiped as such.

Fashion magazines instruct us on dressing; shelter magazines are not just for pretty pictures. Look and “see”; learn something please. I guarantee you none of what you see in today’s snap-shots was gleaned from any magazine I’ve ever read!

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If god is in the details then to the details we must turn.  Upholstery is the focus of our attention today and I must address my greatest issue with “contemporary upholstery”.

Free from the constraints of tradition, the envelope of upholstery design has been expanded to include angles, radii and dramatically sculpted forms not previously associated with furniture and for good reason.  The art of fine upholstery, as mastered by the French, is a system of meticulously crafted hardwood frames, hand-tied springs, horse-hair padding, muslin lining and meticulous hand stitching all in the service of creating pieces which should be passed down to the children and grandchildren.  Toss in tight curves, spindly legs and sculpted cushions and we’re into a different animal completely.  Frames are formed of rigid alloys which are then wrapped in futuristic foam and the whole kit-n-caboodle is covered with the fabric of your choice.  And yes, the foam can be cut into shapes previously seen only at the Guggenheim.  My endless dissatisfaction with contemporary upholstery is the inevitable twisting, sagging and bunching that takes place when fabric is stretched over these marvels of modern imagination.

“I hate wrinkled, warped and sagging contemporary upholstery.”

However beautiful the piece looks in a catalogue, give your guests, kids family dogs a few minutes and that very expensive Italian import suddenly looks like an ill-fitting suit or the sagging breasts worn by Carol Burnett in her iconic “Norma Desmond” skit.  Either way; No Thanks!

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“A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.” Sir Barnett Cocks

Turns out even our closest friends can send us shrieking into the night when their furniture selections fly in the face of the principles we espouse.  Where does the inclination to make these purchased come from? In what magazine do pictures appear; seducing the stylistically lethargic into purchases which can only be attributed to a collective stranglehold on good taste?  I was rattled recently when, upon entering a friend’s home, I was confronted with a bulking, hulking, puffy mess-of-a-sofa.

“I hate puffy upholstery.”

What twisted mind conceived these grotesque exaggerations? And what devious soul has blinded great swaths of the general public as to accelerate their sales and perpetuate their existence? As a culture we collectively giggle, if not scoff decidedly, at puffy exaggerations; lips, breasts and haute couture.  Is it too late to include upholstery on this list of puffy scorn?

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A Legend of American Design: Juan Pablo Molyneux

Since opening my first issue of Architectural Digest as a high school freshman this gentleman’s work has been a source of inspiration and education.  A master of all things classical, his published work is a Masters Class in the design principles we speak of in these postings.  Admittedly opulent, his work demonstrates scale, proportion, harmony and variety in the most thrilling, luxurious and witty of manners.

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“Success isn’t permanent and failure isn’t fatal.” Mike Ditka

Few things in life are as satisfying as completing a major design project.  After months or, in some cases, years of dreaming, planning and living with the undulating madness that construction and decoration bring to finally banish the last of the workmen, installers, artisans and designers is a cherished moment.  You are alone; walking through the rooms and halls of your creation.  Joy and satisfaction should be the payoff for all the hard work.  Maybe you’d change this or that….maybe you wouldn’t touch anything.  Mazletov, either way.

Today I’m sharing photo’s of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s newly completed Tribeca Loft.  The pair hired New York designers Roman and Willliam to handle the major renovation. Clearly allot of work went into this space and I have no doubt much love and care on Ms. Paltrow and Mr. Martin’s parts; and I wish them years of happiness in their new home.  However, I use the term ‘home’ loosely for all I see in these pictures are a series of beautifully executed, high concept, stage-set-like-rooms in a VERY luxurious hotel suite and nothing close to what this decorator would lovingly look for in a place I would call home.

But then….nobody asked me, right!

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With tongue firmly planted in cheek, Ashleigh Brilliant exclaimed, “Take Courage! Whatever you decide to do, it will probably be the wrong thing.”  With all the good intentions, hard work and experience in the world sometimes we get things wrong.  Even the best make the occasional mistake though most are loath to admit it. The really smart ones find inspiration in the mistake and weave an even greater brilliance from the momentary failure.  Others opt for the “Emperor’s” approach and parade the error, head held high, for all to see hoping for complicity and silence.

One of the unexpected bonuses of writing the book “101 Things….” and sharing these daily observations is the glut of images that cross my desk.  Because my mind just works this way I invariably place things in piles labeling them as “favorites”, “best”, “worse”…etc.

This morning I’m sharing a small collection I’m calling “Things That Are Just Wrong.”  Maybe you’ll agree, maybe you’ll disagree. No matter, as lives are not at stake nor do War and Peace hang in the balance.  Its Friday….hug someone!

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Don’t forget to check back later today for our next installment of “Friday Fixer”

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It appears that a reoccurring theme fuels the fires beneath this afternoon’s addition to the pantheon of design and decorating clichés.  Our cultural obsession with wretched excess is as well documented.  Too much to eat!  Too many plastic surgeries! Too many extra curricular activities! There can be no real surprise when we discover entire collections of home furnishings dedicated to excessive amounts of overblown carving, ridiculously exuberant proportions and gilding to rival Versailles.

“I hate faux-French furniture.”

As is the case with any careless knock-off an original exists and exemplifies the best qualities of beauty, grace and artistry.  Respectful reproductions can be appreciated for what they are; reproductions.  Cartoonish parodies might be well suited for Vaudevillian entertainment but they have no place in the homes of unwitting or unconscious consumers.

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When considering the decoration of houses I am of the opinion that comfort is king.  Life was never promised to us in a neat, easy to swallow pill; the stress, chaos and general madness of our existence suggests to me that when we’re able to manage our environment we would do so with a thought towards an experience of great comfort. To do otherwise would be illogical, which is what makes today’s design and decorating cliché unfathomable.  60 years ago the urge for streamlined furnishings with which to fill new streamlined tracks of homes birthed a vernacular, uncomfortable from the start. And other than the shrill of blind admiration, which has otherwise intelligent people falling over themselves, little has changed all these years later.

“I hate mid-century modern furniture.”

There is, admittedly, an admirable line to be appreciated when a room (or house) is filled to its glass paneled teeth with circa 1950’s ephemera.  But I dare you to lounge or to linger on these thinly padded slivers of furniture.  Graceful; yes.  Comfortable; no.  My grandfather was known to say, when asked about his frequent Sunday morning naps, “The mind can only absorb what the seat can endure.”  Give me comfort or show me the door, please.

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I love books and add to my collection at every opportunity.  A recent book sale at a local village’s library brought considerable enjoyment and a number of gems; some serious literature and one little WC reader (you know….momentary entertainment for the guest bath) titled “Laughing Stock, A Cow’s Guide to Life” (because I’m just that silly).  This quote, pertinent in its own right, put me in the mood for this mornings musing- “Life is like a cow pasture. It’s very hard to get through without stepping in some muck.”

“I hate Southwestern interiors.”

So let’s jump right into the muck. At the junction of myth and muted pastels we find the next Design and Decorating Cliché, the Great Southwest!  A derivative of anything indigenes to the great Southwest, we brace ourselves for its predictable color pallet and own set of stock-n-trade accessories and art.  It’s like shooting fish in a barrel….a mauve barrel at that!

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“Without tradition, art is a flock of sheep without a shepherd. Without innovation, it is a corpse.”

Few have had a better seat for observing the arch of tradition in human development than Winston Churchill.  His observation invoking the energy of innovation seals, for me, his position as a wise man.  Nothing reeks of death so much as a stagnate idea.  Is it any surprise then that stylistic stagnation is the reason for my loathing of the next D&D Cliché.  Dogging our steps and cutting across cultural divides this stale regurgitation of poignant rural charm seems inescapable.  French, English, American, Italian, German, Swedish… if we look closely we’ll find it in the Chinese culture as well.

“I hate overt ‘country’ decorating.”

On any day, in any culture, give me the honest simplicity of a rural home and I will argue its merits until the proverbial cows come home.  Forget for one moment the basis for a provincial point-of-view and you’ve lost my attention and my devotion.

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Along with the use of glass block the pantheon of decorating and design clichés is populated with a wax-museum like gathering of the over-used and poorly understood.  Clichés exist for a reason; mindless repetition over long periods of time can morph even the most interesting idea into an oddly shaped, poorly executed version of the original.  Many, in this high-visibility group, have held their position as an over-used aspiration for years and in some cases centuries.  “Revivals” of decorating styles began long before the Romans elevated all things Grecian to the heights of chic.  As long as we are willing to study History we will find aspects worthy of re-introduction into our modern lives.  But the creative adaptation of specific historical details is a far cry from the theatrical regurgitations offered to the public under the nomenclature we’re looking at today.

“I hate hearing, and seeing, of homes’ or pieces of furniture in the “Old World” style.”

Far too often this is an excuse for wild theatrics and silly conglomerations of things thought to be “old”.  Much like a woman who too loudly insists she’s a “lady”, I mistrust any decorative scheme which relies on constant verbalization to underscore its importance, let alone relevance.  Create a beautiful background then fill the space with good examples of the historical period which is of interest.  Your credibility will soar!

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“Too much of a good thing” is a concept that enters our conversation here, from time to time.  As we contemplate the “Decorating Time Machine” phenomenon and its tragic offspring we find a collection of design and decorating foibles that have garnered an almost cult standing. They’ve transcended mere professional mishandling and have spring fully formed into the hearts, minds and entry halls of homeowners’ world wide.  Today we’ll look at just one, on this list of repeat offenders….

“I hate, with shockingly few exceptions, seeing glass block used in a homes structure.”

Unless you occupy a lovingly maintained Art Deco masterpiece (they do exist and they are thrilling when found) then avoid the use of glass block as a structural detail.  No further explanation or alliteration required.  Just say “No”.

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“To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong.”

While we’re busy making our homes as beautiful as possible and then hurrying out to live our lives to the fullest (thank you Mr. Hadley for that reminder) fear can threaten our creative efforts.  By studying (yes, effort is required) the principles of good design (8 by my count including: Scale, Unity, Rhythm, Movement, Variety, Harmony, Balance and Emphasis) we strengthen our skills which allow for heightened individual vision and creativity.  The goal is realizing a unique mix of historical perspective and contemporary reality which keeps our home fresh and current rather than dated and too easily identified with decorating genera’s.

“I hate walking into a home (or room) and experiencing the “Decorating Time Machine” effect.”

The year is 2010 as challenging as any in my life but also as wonderful as I’m prepared to make it.  I have no need to visit the 50’, 60’, 70’ or 80’ each with its clearly identifiable decorating fashions.   Most of these weren’t that great the first time around….let’s not worship them as something other than points in time.  Take the best, ditch the rest and create something unique and beautiful.

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“I deeply believe that a beautiful decor can have a beneficial influence on our lives.”

A Legend of American Design, Albert Hadley was born in NashvilleTennessee. He attended Peabody College, Nashville, and is a graduate of and teacher at Parsons School of DesignNew York City and Paris. He trained with the South’s best-known decorator, A. Herbert Rodgers. After serving overseas in WW II he studied and taught at Parsons, and then formed his own studio. He then worked at the distinguished New York design firm of McMillen, Inc. and co-founded Parish-Hadley, Associates.

“Beige is atmosphere. It’s bisque, it’s ivory, it’s cream, it’s stone, it’s toast, it’s cappuccino. It’s, well, it’s magic.”

“Decorating is not about making stage sets, it’s not about making pretty pictures for the magazines; it’s really about creating a quality of life, a beauty that nourishes the soul.”

“Make your home as comfortable and attractive as possible and then get on with living. There’s more to life than decorating.”

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“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.”

While researching the LeBron James pictures, posted earlier this week, I came across a these pictures of another New York City home recently on the market (and reduced in price!).  Unlike the Billy Joel owned property which stirred such hope in this sport-novices heart (still hoping a major sports figure can have such taste) this celebrity owned train-wreck (admittedly a very expensively train wreck) excels only in the display of garish and vulgar flourishes.  What a shame to waste those views.

Which again reminds me of the designer’s creed, “I pray for the day my clients with taste get money and my clients with money get taste”?  Amen

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101 Things I Hate About Your House™

Rarely do I shy away from trying something new and today is no exception.  A reader emailed me a suggestion which I find intriguing.  Here’s the concept:  We’ll call it “Top Five Fridays” and each Friday afternoon we’ll post a photograph of a room, sent to us by a reader.  With the post I will list my Top Five Fixes which, if followed, would elevate the space from one we “hate” to one we “love”.

Since a picture is worth a thousand words and I don’t seem to have trouble tossing words at the page….let’s give it a try.  Here’s today’s photo and my “Top Five Fixes”.  And of course I want to know what your “Top Fixes” would be……

  1. Jettison the mauve area rug. Replace it with bound sisal or seagrass area rug with an 8” reveal around the entire room (cutout around the fireplace to 1”).
  2. Ditch the white curtains in favor of a stripe or relaxed overall pattern introducing eggplant and emerald green as predominate colors.  Change the curtain rod to an antique bronze finish and raise it above the window casing.  Install woven shades on small side windows as inside mounts.
  3. Replace bench at window with a long, low Chinese alter table.
  4. Burn the existing cocktail table and in it’s place: a large vintage Louis Vuitton steamer trunk.
  5. Slipcover existing upholstery in crisp white cotton duck; decorative pillows made from old silk kimonos (persimmon, chocolate brown and green’s) for the sofa.
  6. (sorry, can’t stop now) Paint the back wall of the bookcases eggplant and dress the existing books and accessories in amore appealing manner.
  7. (just one more….) Let’s go lamp shopping after we donate the existing floor and table lamps to charity.  And maybe a small reading table next to the Club Chair near the door…definitely a pharmacy lamp too.
  8. (Oh for goodness sakes…..one more) Place a wonderful apple-rush wood basket and antique bronze fireplace tools at the fireplace.

Just a few ideas……what would you do?

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Okay, it’s not that I hate sports, I just lack a certain enthusiasm for most athletic endeavors. What I can muster an astounding degree of energy over is the endless droning associated with the career path of LeBron James. Enough already. That is until just moments ago when I came across images of a piece of real estate Mr. James has been considering. If this property is any indication of Mr. James’ personal aesthetics then my interest in the NBA just kicked up a notch. Might their be hope for the homes of our professional athletes? If only…….

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Today was ‘reader’ day for me; just filled with notes, emails and twits from the amazing people who follow my rants and raves.  I can’t thank you all enough.  So keep them coming.

In a note from a Twitter friend earlier today I was reminded how important contrast can be when clarifying a thought or an idea.  Yes, it is a principle for use in weaving together the remarkable interiors we each crave and work hard to realize.  In an email I was delightfully challenged with regard to my thoughts on the appropriate size/scale of a home.  Our friend’s opinion follows a line of logic favored by Louis XIV…basically bigger is better….and when in doubt; gild it!

By now you know that size can be wildly overrated; particularly when the issues of scale, proportion and appropriateness are abandoned.

I’ve had a wee bit of fun today creating my first “side-by-side” photo gallery illustrating once and for all the subtle beauty of “less-is-more”.  Enjoy!

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“I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.”  Might this quote come from your personal diary (we can thank Albert Einstein)?  Might your interest in ideas, concepts and beauty fuel a monumental passion that drives your life?  I hope so.  In the absence of passion life would be just a bit dull.

We’re learning that decorating is not dull. It swirls with a heady mix of ideas, perceptions and personalities.  So what can we hang our hat upon?  What principle(s) ground us in our quest for a sublime and gracious living experience?  Today I suggest we ponder “scale” as a foundation; rock-solid when understood and well executed, as a tool for success.  Webster offers, “the relative size of something” which translates to mean that the size of every item in a room relates to the next and they must exist harmoniously.

“I hate walking into a room and being struck by an items silly size (too large, too small…etc) in relation to the room and its other objects.”

Practice is the only way I know to sharpen your scale skills.  We’ll speak of it often and test each other regularly.  Remember once you know the rules you can break them!  Then we can comment on your relative success or failure!

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Since pendulums swing two directions and coins have two sides there must be a balancing extreme to the myopic obsession of the ‘Themed Interior’; and as it turns out, there is.  The ‘Eclectic Interior’ provides the whacked-out balance required to tell the other end of the story.  Where a ‘Themed Interior’ demands adherence to a specific visual reference; the loosey-goosey school of Eclectic Interiors sheds all references in favor of a “come-one, come-all” mentality.  Suffice it to say…

“I hate the idea (not to mention reality) of Eclectic Interiors.”

Which is more true of the broad, sweeping wake of Eclecticism; Crippling Indecision (can’t decide so just use a bit of everything) or Terminal Hording Syndrome (can’t ‘dispose of it’ so just use all of it) or Foggy Design Complex (when exhaustion precludes a clear, unifying vision).  Regardless, rabid Eclecticism should be avoided.  Just make a decision; have an opinion, pick a point-of-view.  Please!

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The world of fashion has always intrigued me. The immediacy, urgency and bold statements seen in the haute couture collections fuels an industry and drives sales. It is pure theatre. What’s not to love? But theatre isn’t real life and I don’t want to live on a stage set. Turns out I’m just as captivated by the gracious nuances of lime-washed wood floor as I am by the grand sweep of a raspberry silk toile ball gown.

“I hate walking into a home that feels like a theatre set; all bold flashes of color and exaggerated decorative gestures.”

I received a startling picture of a pink kitchen recently and have stared at that image all week. While beautifully executed, I’m left with the impression of having walked into a carnival booth. Fashion (those season winds which change direction with a fickle vengeance) is best left to the runways. In the home these changing winds find numerous avenues for expression in decorative pillows, porcelains, linens and seasonal slipcovers. Remember, less really is more!

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“A truly elegant taste is generally accompanied with an excellency of heart.” Henry Fielding

Creating beauty in our home and lives is a full time occupation. When it comes from the heart even the small things matter. Which I why “I hate a room that lacks tables near chairs and sofas. Without this small convenience I’d rather not linger”.


Sit and reach. Do you find only air beneath your outstretched hand? If so, then get to work providing greater convenience and ease in your home.

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As a kid we’d laugh that it was far better for an apple to have two holes than one.  The staccato track of laughter accompanying the quick apple inventory provided the back-beat for this often repeated schoolyard ritual.  Two holes; worm is gone.  One hole and you may very well have company.

To anyone who cares I’m raising the red flag of warning.  The Big Apple has worms and by my last count it appears to be an infestation.

My ground rules are simple.  I don’t care who you are. I don’t care who you’re married too or whom you’re sleeping with?  I don’t care if you’re name bares a reputation or carries with it a title.  Where you warm your tit’s-n-ass in the summer matters not to me any more than the slopes on which shoos come the short days of winter.  Your shoes and sandals, frocks, and schemata’s, weaves and waxing, gowns and jewels all matter not to me.

What is of interest to me is the other silent cast member providing background and context to these dreary, not-so-real dramas which unfold, unfurl and unravel before our eyes each week. It’s the same silent force at work in all our lives; the interiors which cradle the saga’s of our existence.

Today’s introductory comment on the interior conditions of our cloying casts lives is singular and can be summed up in one line, “I pray for the day client’s with money get taste and those with taste get money”.  As demonstrated weekly on the Housewives of NYC these terms are not mutually inclusive.

A notable moment from the shows recent nautical excursion materialized in the form of a perfectly appropriate yellow upholstered banquet on the deck of a hired yacht used by our gals for some rest (momentary) and relaxation (before the mental meltdowns set in).  In general the yachts interiors were pleasing and specifically the zippy yellow banquet draped in Caribbean sunlight was perfection.  Smart design inspires so now I’m walking around my house longing for bright sunlight and an opportunity to re-upholster something in sunny yellow!

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